Lighten up with the Conversational Tone

So your essay's boring?  You just don't live a fancy life!  I mean, you live in the 'burbs, avoid trouble, get your work done, and you know the real names of the "Jersey Shore" cast and who got voted off "The Apprentice" this week.

OK.  We get it.  Look, what you need to do is engage your reader.  Get him or her to identify with you.  So how do you do that?

Well, I'll tell you how.  Take a look at the previous paragraph.  Look at it carefully.  Notice: did I include any complex sentences?  No.  Did I use fragments that feel "natural" as if you might speak them aloud?  You bet.  Did I use a rhetorical questions? Uh huh.  And one last thing: take a look at this paragraph... do you see a similar informality leading your eye and your inner "ear" in feeling the rhythms of the language.

You can also directly address your reader, e.g., "Not so exciting, right?  I warned you it was going to be a little dry."  This technique breaks the spell of the "analytic" style and lightens the mood by making it sound like you don't take yourself too seriously.

Some people say you should avoid big words, but I don't believe in that. I use big words all the time and it feels natural.  Other people say you should avoid sounding formal, but I use transitions all the time too.  I personally love "moreover" and "likewise." But I'm kind of a word geek; OK, I am a word geek, so yeah.

But the one thing you must must must do, is read it aloud.  If you can't read it aloud without sounding like you're producing an oral report that will cure an insomniac, then you better rewrite  Check the rhythm of your sentences--rhythm is the everything of conversational writing.

One last way to produce that light tone is to not be afraid to be a little witty.  VERY light sarcasm can be a nice touch, especially if it's used to include a humorous (observed) detail.

Lastly, be yourself.  You are selling yourself to the university and you'll be the one who must live there.  I want you to be at the university that best suits your nature and personality.  So let it shine.

Now get writing!

P.S. Read this post aloud and notice the conversational attitude that runs through it. Don't get too informal, but--hey!--lighten up!

3-D writing: Details, Dialogue, Description

We're in the home stretch for the UC essays.  I hope you're feeling the fire and writing great stuff.  As we go into the last 10 days for these essays I want to remind everyone of some of the basics that I've been going over time and again.  You've got to get your writing to pop, to jump off the page with life, with emotion.  you need to make it 3-D:

Details  *  Dialogue  *  Description

1. Details: So the other day I was working with a student on a piece about Kathak, a traditional form of Indian dance.  This was for UC prompt #2, "a talent or accomplishment you are proud of."  What I was hoping to see was her passion, her love of beauty, her commitment.  But her essay lacked detail.  The details would be what makes the essay come alive.  For an essay about Kathak, we should see the beautiful and graceful hand gestures, the colors of the costumes, hear the jangling of the anklets that ring with each stamp of the dancers' feet.  You want to communicate your love of beauty and passion for being part of the performance. 
2. Dialogue: I've blogged about this before.  Use their words!  If we can hear voices in your paper (not our heads), then we get a sense of your world and a sense of your experience.  A real sense of your sensitivity to the world around you.  The key here is not to get bogged down with too much talking or using too many tags (for example, she said; for more info check: this fiction writing blog).  Economy is the watchword here.  Think movie cuts to try to keep your dialogue moving quickly.
3. Description: This one should be obvious.  The key, of course is choosing what to describe and what to skip over.  I always recommend in these types of essays to focus on visuals that produce emotion: facial expressions, the size of the mountain you're climbing, the inner conflict that makes your decision difficult and shows maturity.  This goes under the general heading of SHOW DON'T TELL.  For anyone who has really tried writing, it is so hard to show instead of telling.  (If you have any questions, take a look at any page of The Da Vinci Code: a whole novel built on telling.  For a hilarious take on the horros of telling over showing there is this review of the Da Vinci Code movie and a little about the book, too). 

3-D.  When going over your writing, make sure you chant it.  And your chant should help you remember that you need your essay to "pop-out" from a huge stack of boring students who write by number, whose essays portray flat lives.  Show your depth!

Good luck!

Those Darn Supplemental Essays

Wooster College

So you wanna go to a small liberal arts school?  Good job.  There are some great schools that just don't get enough attention these days with the huge state schools stealing most of the spotlight.  But the programs at some of these schools (my personal favorite is St. John's College in New Mexico) are all about deepening our thinking and enriching our experience, primarily through the humanities.

So what about those supplemental essays?  They may appear annoying, just one more thing to do.  But these schools need to know that you've taken the time and energy to research them.  That you would be a good fit.

1. HONESTY: Your primary resource in these essays is going to be your honesty -- when you're honest about what you want to study, your passion will definitely show.
2. NERDY: While in high school it's kinda tough to let this habit show, but in college it's awesome to be a nerd for something you love.  Whether it's chemistry, politics, insects, it doesn't matter.  Show that you're ga-ga for something academic. Also don't be afraid to get "out of the box."  Originality and cleverness are always appreciated by bored readers.
3. SINCERITY: Without it, your paper will be obviously hollow or self-seeking.  Wanting to go to a college because you want a prestigious name on your resume is not the best method for convincing and admissions officer.
4. ACCURACY: Make sure you know what you're talking about.  Don't say you really want to attend William and Mary because Thomas Jefferson founded.  Not only do you look like an idiot, but you're not getting in (Thomas Jefferson founded University of Virginia).
5. TOPIC: Make sure you answer the question too.  If you're applying to Univ. of San Francisco and you're asked how you are prepared for service, make sure you have a clear set of examples that will illustrate that.  Don't answer a different question just because the one on the app. is awkward or hard to answer.

And as always, be specific, show not tell, be passionate, and be concise.  You only get a few words so make them count!

Tip 3: Use Direct Dialogue

If words are exchanged, if somebody thinks (probably you, since you're the subject of the essay) don't just report it: show it using direct dialogue.

Direct speech with quotations and such make a piece come alive.  Using exact words said in the voice and vocabulary of the characters adds personality and flavor.  If part of your story has characters who speak another language than English--use it.

In one story about growing up in Paramount a Chinese-American student quoted the Spanish that was used to make him feel like he was an outsider: "Tu eres una idiota. Pobrecito.  Revuelve a China!"  You don't need to have a degree in Spanish to understand: you know it means "We don't like you.  Get out!"  As well a recent essay I edited centered on an eccentric French speaking man.  Instead of  greeting with "Hello!" he says "C'est quai le capital de Nebraska?"  I know very little French, but we know what he means.  And it's more invigorating when we can hear his French ask trivia questions about middle America.  We get he's a little different than your average bear--and you don't have to waste any telling words explaining things (boring!)

You should also use the same techniques when describing thoughts.  Be direct; say it straight.  It's always more compelling and you want your essay to be a breath of fresh air, a relief from the stacks of dull and dry.

Tip 2: Dealing with the opening -- style and flashback

So last time we looked at finding the action.  It's so important to start with something that catches your reader's attention.  It's generally called an "arresting image." You want to arrest the reader's attention and hold it captive.

If you can combine your arresting image with similarly compelling language you have a winning opening.  A stylistic technique I am very fond of is the short, clipped sentence.  Here are some examples: "It started to hurt.  It started to really hurt."  Or "I am Batman."  Or "I am lost.  Utterly, irrevocably lost." These are short, intense, and lead the reader to immediately wonder where this is going without taking more than a second. These are two huge factors--interest and movement.  You never want your story to hit the doldrums.  The style of your sentences can make this happen even if not much actual action is happening.

Remember the material you cut in the previous post--the stuff that's just introductory? What do you do with you it?  Use a Flashback.  Flashbacks can be clumsy and distracting or they can be masterful, offering us just enough information to give us context and help us understand the bigger picture that your essay is going to communicate--the bigger picture being "the real you!"

Return to that boring introduction now.  Look for essential details.  Look for key background information.  Underline, highlight, circle them. And I mean KEY and ESSENTIAL.  Setting is usually important (time and place).  Some details that serve a clear purpose such as revealing personality quirks or feelings can be helpful, too.  But let's keep them to a minimum.  Once the initial action has started to trail off (you'd call this the falling action in your freshman English course), now is the time to throw in a short flashback that offers context.  But if you take too long, your amazing arresting image will come to naught.  So don't dally and move on to the next portion of your essay.

Now that you have your audience's attention, you don't want to lose it by going off track.  Stick to your story, move it along quickly.  And make sure you Show Don't Tell!

Tip 1 -- The Narrative: Get into the Action

In Medias Res
It's Latin for "in the middle of things." Today we might say, thinking of action movies, "Cut to the chase!"  It's the most effective way to snag your reader's attention.  And that is what we all want, right?

I've been reading essay after essay this Fall and this is something I continuously advise.  It seems like such a big mystery, but it's not.  It's actually surprisingly simple.  I'll show briefly how it's done.

First, Find the Action
I'm assuming you have a draft written.  Take a look at it.  9 times out of 10 it's going to have lots of introductory material--just like your teachers require for essays in your English classes.  This is exactly how to bore your reader ! We need to capture our reader's attention.

Eventually you get to a point where the explanation stops and something happens. Say you go some where, meet some one, the first day, etc. This is where you should really start your essay.  Get out that wicked red pen and cross out everything that comes before (but don't get rid of your intro completely, we'll make use of some of it).  Everything that explains things. Everything that tells (TELLS!) the reader what you think, who you are,,etc.  That's the stuff we need to eliminate. Now we can start where the action is.

What Qualifies as action?
To be bluntly obvious: It's where something actually happens.  It's not making the plan for the trip; it's knocking on the strange door of your host family.  It's not being picked to open a a new store in a faraway city; it's showing up to an empty building early in the morning and having to work with strangers to get that store operational on time--usually too little time.

I read an essay last night that was about working in a research lab over the summer where rats and mice were used to experiment with different drugs that would, with luck, save human lives.  The first part of the essay was your standard boilerplate intro about getting the internship (what an opportunity!) and a little on possible ethical dilemmas in using lab animals.  I'm more than half a page down when finally something horrible and gory happens: a rat's spine is crushed.  It's horrific.  It made me cringe.  Guess where the essay should start?  Right there!  Vertebrae by vertebrae--gut wrenching and memorable.  If the writer started there I'd be completely engaged from moment one.


But, My Action is All Internal
You don't have something gut wrenching and gory? What about something someone says to you? What if all the action is internal, in your mind? Then I would look for the climactic moment when the change/thought occurs and start right before that. Don't worry about your audience “Not Getting It.” We can fill them in once we've got their attention! It's no use explaining anything if no one is listening.


If there is absolutely no action anywhere, you're not writing a narrative. Or you're just completely avoiding the topic: yourself. Oh, you're too boring to have a story? There are ways around that. There are techniques that can make nothing entertaining. (If you have any doubt, watch an episode of “Seinfeld” and see how they can make nothing—the topic of every episode—hilarious.)

So get back to your essays and start searching for the moment when something happens.  Make that your opening!

And don't forget to keep your old draft with all of that introduction stuff you crossed off. In my next note I will discuss what to do with that introductory material.